top of page
Search

Experiencing Grief in the Time of COVID

  • Writer: Patricia Faust
    Patricia Faust
  • Oct 9, 2020
  • 4 min read

My mother died last week. She was 91 and lived her life on her terms until the end. She certainly gave us a gift. In the midst of grieving I took a serious look at all of the families, friends and loved ones who have experienced the catastrophic loss of their loved ones. And so, this blog takes a look at the huge losses everyone around the world are experiencing due to COVID-19.

We are on an emotional rollercoaster this year. As the year progresses, we are discovering that our lives have changed and might not ever see the old normal that we grew up with. COVID-19 is causing us to confront multiple types of grief. Our new reality is punctuated by grief and loss.

The disruptions in our normal routines and rhythms of everyday life contribute to lingering unease and sadness. We are mourning for the loss of over 210,000 American lives and find ourselves also mourning the loss of normalcy. Work at home, home schooling, work on mundane routines day after day, have taken any semblance of normalcy away from us. There is no end in sight, and we continue to experience the fear that this is our new normal.

The Many Types of Losses Associated with COVID 19

The intense grief that people who have lost loved ones to this pandemic is palpable. Even if we have not been touched by the death of a loved one, we can be grieving the loss of our career, our livelihood. Now, through no fault of our own, we cannot support our family or possibly not be able to put food on the table. We grieve that loss of certainty and security. Here is a list of losses associated with COVID 19:

Job loss

Loss of safety

Worry about loved ones

Social distancing, quarantine, and feelings of isolation

Changes in daily habits and routines

Special plans and events that have been cancelled

Clashes with family members over how to protect yourself

Worries about how to pay rent, utilities, and other bills

Sadness over how the pandemic will affect the world

Fears for the future

Grief After a COVID Death

The importance of social connection is more evident with the loss of a loved one to COVID. Under normal circumstances, we turn to our group – our family, our friends – for support. We cry together, we laugh together, and we mourn together. But the continual threat of exposure to the virus still keeps us apart. We don’t get to experience the human connection that we desperately need.

Being isolated from our loved one while they are dying raises many types of emotions. Not being there with our loved one to say our last goodbyes and expressions of love, makes it almost incomprehensible to understand the emotional impact. The traditional wakes and celebrations of life after the funeral are modified by social distancing and wearing masks. There can be no hugs of comfort and solace. Family traditions are left behind, and overall grief is left to languish.

The Neuroscience of Grief

We have just observed how the emotions of grief flood the entire experience. Let’s take a look at what is going on behind the scenes in our brain and body.

When we have bonded and feel connected to a loved one, the brain produces the body’s feel good hormones: dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. When we suffer a loss, there is an immediate drop in the feel-good chemicals and a rise in stress-chemicals, such as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. These chemicals engage the fight, flight, or freeze response. Stress cortisol leads to a cascade of physical, emotional, and mental symptoms. When stress cortisol is at its highest, it is common to feel numb, cut-off, and disconnected.

As the initial shock of loss subsides, we begin to feel the pain. Through fMRI imaging, it has been discovered that these parts of the brain get activated in loss: Periaqueductal gray, the Anterior Cingulate, the Nucleus Accumbens, and the Somatosensory Cortices. Identifying these different parts of the brain probably won’t mean anything to you. That’s okay because I wanted you to understand that there are many areas of the brain associated with loss. These are the same areas of the brain responsible for the separation anxiety experienced by an infant and are associated with crying and yearning for reconnection. If you have babysat for a grandchild and you can’t seem to comfort them after their parents leave, you now understand how involved the brain is in this reaction. Furthermore, these are the same areas of the brain associated with pain. Grief can physically hurt.

fMRI studies also reveal the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal lobes, light up when we reflect on the stories, memories and associations we have with our loved ones. The amygdala is ‘state-dependent’ which means that when you feel sad you are more likely to remember other times that you felt sad.

It is important to remember that the amygdala (emotional center of the brain) is involved in painful emotions of fear, anger, and sadness. But it is also involved in the positive emotions of happiness, pleasure and joy. We have the power to modify the emotional experience by engaging our prefrontal cortex (planning, decision-making, rational thinking) area of the brain. Studies have indicated that we engage our prefrontal cortex when we put our memories and reflections into words. Engaging the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala will process loving, tender memories of our loved ones. Over time, these reflections can build a bridge allowing us to create sustained connections with people we have lost.

Resolving Grief

Often grief resolves not from letting go or moving on but rather finding a way to sustain as loving connection with people we have lost. It is essential to acknowledge the sad and painful aspects of the death of a loved one; however, we must also reflect on the loving and tender parts of the relationship.

Grief is a normal response to loss, but COVID has upended many aspects of the normal grieving process. Whether you are coping with a job loss, facing fear over scarcity, loneliness, financial instability, or a general sense of anxiety about COVID, the emotional upheaval caused by coronavirus may trigger feelings of grief, and loss. Lean on your social support system, even if that is a virtual connection. Give yourself permission to mourn, take good care of yourself, and treat yourself and others with kindness during this difficult time.

References:

Cherry, K. (August 7, 2020). Understanding grief in the age of COVID-19 pandemic. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-grief-in-the-age-of-the-covid-19-pandemic-4801931

Schwartz, A. (March 8, 2016). Grief, grit, and grace. Retrieved from: https://drarielleschwartz.com/grief-grit-and-grace-dr-arielle-schwartz/#.X330RpNKiEs

 
 
 

Commenti


images.jpg

March was an unusual month for me.  Normally I work on articles, give presentations and generally just stay tuned to what is going on in the field of aging.  This month I “learned” a lot.  Last year I learned how to write a book.  At the time I took the course I thought it would just be a natural extension of all the writing I had done over the years.  WRONG!!  The actual writing of the book was the easy part.  Putting it together into a book was difficult for me.  The course gave me step by step lessons on constructing a book.  Then editing and formatting were just as challenging.  On June 7 last year the book was published!  It was one of the most satisfying days of my writing career. 

Naturally, when you self-publish, you do not have a publisher promoting the book and getting it in the right categories for best sales on Amazon.  That was crushing because I really didn’t know to appropriately market it.  I am a brain health person!  In December of last year, I purchased a marketing program that is based on statistics.  I am technical minded and so this approach made sense to me.  The course is almost completed.  Can’t wait to see if it improves sales!

The next step I am looking at is recording an audiobook.  This is another venture I knew nothing about.  But I am already tagged on Facebook for marketing of audio book programs.  Facebook picks up everything.  Now my husband was creative director for an advertising agency and when I told him I purchased another class – he couldn’t believe it.  “This was my business.  I know how to do recordings, why didn’t you ask me?” Well, I knew he was an expert in that business, but this audiobook needs to meet all the criteria that Amazon requires for publication.  So, he can take care of the recording part of this audiobook, and I will navigate the process of meeting Amazon’s requirements.  We worked on the book together like this. 

Then I talked with some coaching experts on the viability of starting group teaching programs.  Reading The Boomer Brain book and implementing the Brain Healthy Lifestyle have two entirely different outcomes.  This lifestyle is important to maintaining high cognitive function throughout the later years of our lives.  Look for updates as to when I will roll this program out.

My last learning endeavor was attending a two-day bootcamp for Speakers.  I am really excited about what I learned there.  That is a late this year or next year project, but it is one I am really looking forward to.

 

What Is Happening in April?

The American Society on Aging is having their annual conference in Orlando Florida April 21-24.  This is the largest multidisciplinary conference on aging and the annual conference for Members of ASA.  I have attended a number of these conferences throughout the years, and it is consequential.  Keynote speakers and special events are focused on combating ageism in our society.  Although this is a professional meeting, the attendees come from all aspects of aging services.  They have their work cut out for them this year!

April is Stress Awareness Month.  We should be aware of stress every month and understand how we can break the stress cycle.  These are stressful times, and we need to protect ourselves

Here is a positive one “April is National Volunteer Month”.  When I am working with new retirees who don’t know what to do, I talk to them about volunteering. It is important to have a purpose after you leave the workforce.  There are so many nonprofits who need help in all aspects of their organizations.  It is a perfect way to give back.

Finally – It was Opening Day for the Cincinnati Reds – the oldest major league team in the nation.  Cincinnati takes that responsibility seriously.  There is always an Opening Day Parade through downtown to the Ball Park.  Huge crowds line the streets and every year there is talk of making it an official holiday.  Schools and employers look the other way when there is an empty desk.  No matter what the outcome of the game is, there is so much joy, and you can feel that energy.  I am fortunate that I get to experience that.  We all need some joy right now. 

Enjoy your April.

bottom of page